Purpose Through the Pain

Over two years later and I find myself having days that make it feel like I lost her yesterday. 

I have days where I feel like I could cry and cry and the pit would still be empty.

The process of grieving is such a roller coaster. Just when you think you’re okay, the next day I find myself in my car crying or at work on the verge of tears. It took forever for me to even feel ‘okay’ about losing my Grandma… It almost feels wrong or sinful at times how long it’s affected me.

My mom says we should be happy and at peace because she made Heaven her home and that’s the ultimate goal right? Well I am honestly happy for her… I know she’s in a place she lived her whole life to get to... and its not even about the ‘place’... shes with God!! Shes with the love of her life!! She loved Jesus so so so much. She lived her life to see Jesus one day, and she did it!!

I still picture her most vividly in my mind when I think of the way she would raise her hands to Him and tears would stream down her face. She was so sincere, so genuine… filled of so much love for Jesus and us.

I think the reason it’s been so hard on not just me, but my family and others to lose her is because she was seriously a piece of Jesus on this crazy and hectic earth. She truly was an extension of Gods body… of His love, His wisdom, His strength, she was filled with so much Jesus that having her gave security the way Jesus does. Am I making her my God? Not at all. Please don’t take what I’m saying out of context… but what a gift and Blessing she was that God gave me to have such a beautiful influence within my life.

I want to live a life like hers. Where my presence in someone’s life makes a positive difference.
I know she would never want me or any of us to hurt for her…
but I think it just shows how amazing she must have been.

With all this said… I promise it’s not my intention to depress you or make you pity me.

My point is to say I am thankful for the sensitivity God has given me through the loss of my grandma.
I can understand others and pain so much more
I thought breaking up with a boyfriend or losing a friend was heartbreaking… nope.

Nothing compares to this kind of pain.

I’m not trying at all to downplay other hurtful situations, trust me –
I’ve gone through those and know how real that pain is!
But for me – personally – this is a whole new level I have never experienced before.

Moving forward…

Within the last year one of my best friends lost his dad… as I started praying, I started sobbing for him. The pain I felt for my friend and his family was that of what I felt the night I found out I lost my grandma. I went into intercession in a way I never have been able to before - where my heart shattered and I felt breathless.

Just this past week, a young 15 year old boy was killed in a hit and run. I didn’t know him… but something about this broke me and has weighed on me so heavy. Last night after a week of thinking about this, I prayed for the family.
Again, I started sobbing and was able to intercede in such a powerful way.
For a family I’ve never met or even seen – I was able to weep for and step in on their behalf to ask God for peace, comfort, strength, and a drawing during such a time.

Am I saying this to glorify myself? No.
But I am seeing God right now, take the deepest pain in my life, and channel it into a passion, sensitivity, and a burden for others.

At times I have asked God… "God is this supposed to be hurting me this much? I feel like I’m not letting you heal me, or something is wrong with me... why have I felt this so long?
Am I a bad Christian?
Does this mean I don’t love You enough? Am I not finding enough peace and strength in You? Had I made Grandma my god without realizing it?"
At times I've felt ashamed for feeling how I do.

But its situations like this… that show me, maybe, just maybe…
God wants me to know what this pain feels like – so that I can pray, intercede, and have the sensitivity for others the way I am able to now.

So today, I encourage you today, to take whatever painful situations you have gone through – and let God help you to channel them into His purpose.

Do you need to lose a family member? No.

Have you felt brokenness, loss, heartache?

If you have – that’s enough. Pain is pain and pain is universal.

Let God use the pain you've experienced to help another going through that same thing.
It doesn't even have to be the same situation.
Just be there for someone who needs love, and who needs to know that they aren't alone.
Just pray for them the way you would have wanted someone to pray for you.
Pray with your whole heart for someone else.

That’s what this life is all about right? This life is not about us!

It’s about God, living a life that will please Him, making Heaven our home, and getting others connected to Him intimately – so they can make Heaven their home too.