Finding my way Pt. 1

Being born and raised in the church, at age 7, I was baptized in Jesus name, and filled with the Holy Ghost. I can genuinely say I have always had a love for God and His presence. This love for Him and His presence is what would draw me back to Him years later.


Early on in 3rd grade, I got involved in 'Little Panthers' basketball. It did not take long for me to fall in love with the game, because playing it just came natural. From third grade on, my life consisted of me spending my time in camps, training programs, playing in tournaments, or playing for my school or travel teams during the off season. I even was referee for Little Panthers.  If I had free time beyond these things, I would devote it into practicing more. I would wake up at 8am on my days off, and would hit the track to condition, and would be back home in the driveway afterwards shooting thousands upon thousands of shots until the sun went down.

I absolutely loved everything about basketball. I loved the playing it, watching it, the workouts, scrimmages, tournaments, even down to the bumps and bruises - they were like little trophies to me. I took pride in finding new bruises, because to me that was saying I laid it all out on the court - literally.
My hard work paid off by earning me a starting spot throughout all of my years playing for school and travel, and at the end of each season when I earned multiple MVP awards.

Attending a large public school, basketball was my way into popularity. I never struggled having friends because of this. As a matter of fact, my bigger issue was deciding which set of friends to hang out with on the weekends. My parents had a booming business, and could afford to splurge on whatever clothes and latest fashions I desired.  I say this in no way to boast - but the reality of it was, my life felt pretty perfect. To top it all off, I had the worlds best boyfriend a girl could ask for. I'm talking straight up, chick flick movie, too good to be true, kind of guy. Again - life was pretty perfect.

Through all of this "perfection" I managed to lose sight of God. 

Being involved in travel basketball, caused me many times to miss church. At first this felt like a big deal, but after awhile, it was something that was just a neccessity in order to do what I really wanted - and that was to play basketball, so I didn't think twice about it before long.

It was not long after placing basketball as a priority before church, myself and part of my family left the church I grew up in. Branching out further into basketball and politics because of the popularity basketball had brought me.  We felt we deserved to branch out into a bigger more advanced church. One that was more cutting edge, and modern. We started attending a mega church that went against the doctrine I grew up believing, yet I was eager to get involved. Within a month of attending this new church, I had heard word of their youth group going on a mission trip to El Salvador. Before this, missions had never even crossed my mind. Seeming like a fun experience to travel, and grow closer to the youth group there, I jumped on this opportunity.

It just so happened that this mission trip fell on the same week my new varisty basketball coach was putting together a team scrimmage to view his potential players. Explaining to him that I already had this trip planned, he told me not to worry about it, and to have a great time.

So that I did.

While I had gone there for the travel experience and fun, God had a much greater plan in store. The moment I stepped on the soil of El Salvador, I literally could feel God turning something in my heart. Seeing people who lived in poverty stricken areas light up when you would smile, wave, or hug them was beyond humbling. They had so little, how could they be so happy? Praying for people who had nothing and no one but God to rely on was life changing in itself.

Leaving El Salvador was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I left with a hole in my chest, and heaviness upon my heart. How could going on a trip to help others, change so much within me?
I remember going to bed thinking... if this is what working for God feels like... I want to do it for the rest of my life.

As time went on, the high from my trip calmed down, and I recall sitting in service after service, feeling God tug on my heart strings to draw closer to Him. Not only that, but I also very clearly felt God lay on my heart that I needed to cut some things out of my life that I was putting before him. The pastors messages were starting to hit so close to home for me, that even my family would start to stare at me during the messages, because they knew God was speaking directly to me.

I felt the pull to draw closer to God and surrender what He was asking of me, yet I had fallen so in love with my perfect life style and desires, that I couldn't imagine a life any different.

Let me tell you friends, if you do not surrender to God out of free will, He will strip away the things He has to from you to get your attention.

Remember the new coach that told me to go a head and enjoy my misison trip? Well it just so happened that the scrimmage I was going to miss played a lot bigger role in his mind than was led on. When I returned back home, it was as if he already had the team and starters picked out from day one. As hard as I tried to regain favor in his eyes, I could do nothing to gain any ground.
It was as if something switched within my new coach that made him absolutely hate me - and I am not exagerating in this. There were several practices where he literally cussed me out for making a mistake. He took special time outside of practice to pull me into meetings and tell me I had no potential. His dislike for me was becoming so evident that even my team mates started to treat me terrible. It was as if his attitude with me was rubbing off on them. Going to practice went from being something I loved, to something I dreaded and made me physically sick to think about.
Even though this killed me on the inside, I was not ready to completely die. This pushed me to work harder. As a team we were already practicing 24+ hours a week, and I decided to show him I would dedicate even more time by adding an extra two hours onto individual practice each night. After doing all this for weeks, and even praying about recieving more playing time, I got a whole two minutes on the floor.

Basketball- the thing I had poured entire life into up until this point, had been completely stripped from me. I watched my team go from being undefeated, to losing every single game - as I helplessly and bitterly sat at the end of the bench with no hope of a chance to prove myself or help my team. It was seriously the worse feeling a leader could experience the ability to come to the rescue.

My dreams of playing college ball were completely shattered that year. 

If losing basketball wasn't enough, I started to lose all my friends that came with basketballs popularity, along with my self confidence and worth.  I dropped to my lowest weight from over exercising, and being too depressed to eat, and my 4.0 GPA was plumiting because I simply just didn't care about school anymore. To make things worse - my perfect relationship with my knight in shining armor was crashing down as well.

When I call him perfect, many think I am over exagerating- but they really don't understand that to me he was perfect. He would go out of his way to bring me Starbucks, smoothies, and breakfast. When he noticed I wasn't eating much because I was depressed, he would bring me food. He would travel with my mom to my basketball games, and support me whenever possible. He would write me the sweetest letters, and my nights would be filled with hours of talking to him on the phone. We had a blast whenever together, and spent the majority of our time laughing. He was the only person I trusted to confide everything in. We just clicked. He was more than just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. There was literally no one else I would have rather spent my time with, or focused my attention towards. He was quickly becoming my everything.

He treated me perfect and knew how to make me happy during an extremely hard time in my life... what wasn't to fall for?

It wasn't only evident to eachother that we were falling head over heels for one another, but it was also becoming very clear to our parents. My parents who had always seen me as level headed, were becoming concerened that this relationship at my age was becomming too serious. It was in agreement on both sides, that him and I needed to sepearte because it was no longer healthy how crazy we were for one another. Being only 17 at the time, I had no choice but to listen.

I can recall clear as crystal, sitting in my laundry room the day after our breakup, feeling completely devastated. Life as I knew it would never be the same without him in my life. I literally had to numb my mind because the pain I would feel if realization sunk in would absolutely torture me.

The days that followed were long and empty. I had teachers pull me outside of the classroom to ask me what was wrong because they could tell I was on the verge of tears daily. My grades continued to drop dramatically, and I lost interest in everything else around me.

What was to come was probably the most heart breaking thing I had faced up until that point.

Just a few short weeks of us being forced to break up, I received an email of a convo between my ex and the one girl I had been insecure about during our relationship. In this email he told her how she was the most beautiful girl in the world, how I had always been insecure of her, and more or less was coming out about his feelings for her. Talk about the biggest slap in the face. I had never felt so betrayed. This wasn't just my boyfriend talking - this was my best friend. To see him talk to her how he had, and to talk about me in that sort of manner, completely blind sided me and left me speechless.

I literally felt my heart break at that moment.

Even after our break up I had felt God tug on my heart that I needed to release him from my life, but I had fought His voice. My plan had been to marry him the day I turned 18 and move away if that was what was necessary to be together.

This was my turning point. 

I remember as if it were yesterday- walking upstairs, trying to compose myself long enough to get away from my family, and the moment I stepped in my room I completely started bawling. I've never felt my heart break in such a way. I could barely stop crying long enough to breath. I was so at my breaking point. So many thoughts running through my mind.

In a matter of weeks he had become a stranger, and his loyalty was proving to be something completely different than what he promised it would always be while we were dating.

For months beforehand, I knew God had been asking me service after service to let go of him, and to put God first, but I fought His voice. Letting go of my ex was something I wasn't going to agree to.

However, at that moment, through my sobs, I told God that if He would take the pain I was feeling at that very moment away, I would let go of my love for my ex, and I would let Him do whatever He wanted to with my life.

Instantaneously, God gave me a mental image  of what looked like a gate opening, and in the background was a foreign tropical place I had never seen before with a bright blue sky, and big clouds. I knew it was God showing me He was opening a new chapter of my life, and I couldn't help but think of my love for foreign missions that had developed.

Beyond what God let me see, I instantly started laughing!

I'm sure if anyone was around at this point, they would have thought I was going mentally insane, but I can not put into the words the amount of peace, and joy I felt at that very moment.

God had instantly taken every ounce of pain away, and replaced it with an unexplainable joy and peace that ran throughout my entire body.

From that day forward I no longer felt an emotional connection with my ex boyfriend. It was if God had cut the bondage holding me to him.

Had it really been that easy of just saying those words of surrenderence to Him? All the pain I was dealing with by not letting go, instantly gone within seconds by telling God He could have His way with me?

Within months, my family and I had started to seek out a new church, and that was when we came across the church I now attend, Cornerstone Tabernacle. It had been a home missions church, and only had about 70 people when I started going, but there was such a strong presence of God in each service. Gods pull was so strong, that we couldn't help but come back, and it was not long until we became official members.

For my whole life up until this point, I had poured myself into the things of this world, only to have everything stripped away and leave me empty and broken.

I experienced first hand that everything the world has to offer is only for a season, and will eventually fade.

I have discovered that unlike the world, if you will pour everything you have and all that you are into God, He will never dissapoint you or leave you empty handed.

I can't help but look back and thank God for every closed door in my life. At the time it felt like the end of the world, but I now see it was Gods hand of protection guiding me and doing what was necessary to redirect me to a greater plan than I ever had for myself.

Here is an interesting fact that I realized a year later after my senior year.  That Coach was only there for that one year just that one year to foul up my dreams my plans.  I am a witness that God has a way of GPS'ing your life for your destiny in Him.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." 

-Jeremiah 1:5